Two Worlds: Understanding Why Kids Present Differently at Home and in Education Settings
It can be confronting when your child seems completely different depending on where they are.
Maybe their teacher says, “They’re a delight at school!”, while at home you’re met with tears, meltdowns, or shutdowns. Or perhaps it’s the opposite: you see calm and connection at home, but school feels like a daily struggle.
Parents often start asking themselves:
- “What am I doing wrong?”
- “Why do I only get these behaviours?”
- “What’s happening at school?”
- “What are the educators doing to support?”
These are caring and valid questions. But before we look for blame, it helps to understand what’s really happening underneath.
Why children act differently across settings
Children’s behaviour is a reflection of how safe their nervous system feels, not simply how well they’re “behaving.” Each environment interacts differently with a child’s sense of safety, predictability, and sensory load.
Sensory environment
Classrooms are full of competing sounds, lights, smells, and movement. For some children (especially neurodivergent ones) this constant stimulation keeps their nervous system on high alert, even if they appear calm.
Predictability and routine
Structured school routines can help some children feel secure. This predictability can be perceived as “demands” for some children though, which threatens their sense of autonomy. Home often feels more relaxed, but that can mean less predictability and the emotions that were held in all day may surface once they return to their safe place. Home is also the place where children are more likely to practice their autonomy and push back!
Masking
Some children mask their stress to blend in or avoid standing out. Masking isn’t always conscious; even very young children can do it instinctively as a way of staying “safe”. Over time, this effort is exhausting and can lead to what families often call after-school collapse.
As psychologist Dr Ross Greene reminds us, “Kids do well when they can.” When they can’t, it’s usually because their capacity, not their character, has been stretched too far.
Looks like they’re coping. But are they?
Many children who mask seem fine at school. Quiet, compliant and successful. But holding it together all day takes a toll.
Signs a child may be masking or not coping include:
- Emotional outbursts or shutdowns after school
- Physical complaints like headaches or tummy aches
- Reluctance or distress about attending school — sometimes called “school can’t”
- Perfectionism or over-compliance that hides anxiety
- Flat affect, zoning out, or extreme tiredness after school
School can’t is not defiance, it’s often the body saying “I can’t keep doing this.”
False Neuroception of danger: A Polyvagal perspective
Dr Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory helps us understand how the nervous system constantly scans for cues of safety or danger, a process called neuroception.
When a child experiences a false neuroception of danger, their body reacts as though something unsafe is happening, even when it isn’t. A loud noise, sudden transition, or a teacher’s tone can trigger a protective state.
Once that happens, the brain shifts from learning and relating to survival. Children may respond by:
• Fighting: arguing, yelling, refusing
• Fleeing: hiding, running away
• Freezing: going still or unresponsive
• Fawning: people-pleasing, doing everything “right” to stay safe
At school, many children freeze or fawn — responses that look calm but actually indicate stress. At home, where they finally feel safe, the emotional floodgates open. What looks like a meltdown is often a body coming down from survival mode.
How therapy can help
It’s natural to want therapy to focus where the challenges happen. But when a child’s presentation varies across settings, therapy needs to address the whole ecosystem around the child.
Therapists can:
- Collaborate with educators to spot subtle stress cues and adapt classroom supports.
- Help parents understand that a child’s release at home often reflects safety, not failure.
- Guide teams to recognise freeze or fawn as stress responses, not calmness.
- Promote inclusive practices and accommodations: sensory tools, flexible seating, reduced transitions, visual supports, and co-regulation strategies. So children can participate meaningfully without needing to mask.
- Support the child to communicate authentically across environments such as asking for help!
Effective therapy doesn’t just build a child’s skills; it builds understanding and safety in the environments they move through.
Working together for inclusion
Children thrive when the adults around them collaborate — not when we work in silos.
- Parents know their child best: their triggers, strengths, and what helps them reset.
- Educators understand the daily dynamics of learning, social interaction, and inclusion.
- Therapists bring developmental and neurodiversity-affirming insight to bridge home and school.
When we combine these perspectives with curiosity instead of blame, we see the whole child, not just the behaviour. Together, we can create environments where every child feels safe, supported, and truly included.
If your child acts differently at home and school, it’s not a reflection of failure, it’s a window into their nervous system.
When families, educators, and therapists work collaboratively to build safety, understanding, and inclusion, children no longer need to mask who they are. They can learn, connect, and be their authentic selves everywhere they go.
About the author
Siana Heath is a Clinical Services Manager and Paediatric OT at KEO. With over 15 years of experience in clinical practice, Siana is responsible for supporting a number of the clinical teams with a focus on the paediatric supports we provide at KEO.
Siana enjoys working as part of interdisciplinary and transdisciplinary teams at KEO. She has a passion for life long learning and loves both accessing and providing ongoing clinical education. Siana’s approach to practice is collaborative and strengths based, so she is always keen to work with the team to reflect and transform so we can achieve best outcomes for everyone we work with.
